笑着呆

昨晚太累，本打算寫作，最後還是坐在電視機前笑着發呆。

不得不感嘆一句，電視、電腦和電話真是消磨時間的佳品。下班後攤在沙發上使用，好像吸收了很多資訊，又好像什麼也沒做，時間一眨眼就溜走了。有時明明只打算看一下，這一下卻一發不可收拾，一下子就佔用了整晚。我不愛用社交媒體，就是嫌其所耗時間過多。只不過，在今天，若不想與社會脫節，似乎非用不可。於是考驗來了。

重點是，我不甘心時間就這麼過去，總覺得有點浪費生命。其中一個原因，就是使用這些產品吸收資訊時，我的大腦沒在運轉，所看所思亦只是水過鴨背，轉瞬無痕。我正在努力做一塊吸收各種知識資訊的海綿，但記憶力卻有限，許多事情只記得大概，重要的細節都忘掉了。這或許與我愛讀小說的習慣有關，劇情是最主要的，其他細節不過無關痛癢。

而且，人終究不是植物，不是所有吸收了的東西都能轉化成養份的。許多時我讀完那些資訊後，雖有不少想法，但這些想法都是散亂而缺乏系統的。我缺乏一套完整的想法和哲學，亦因此難以將這些想法和資訊轉化為養份，融進自己的思想體系。前些天讀了篇教人如何看書的心得，作者提到讀完書以後，最好記下自己覺得有意思的句子，並寫下自己閱讀時的想法和感受。我相當同意這種說法，要真正吸收這些看到、讀到的東西，還需要一個反思的過程。不管是與人討論還是寫筆記，都只是一種迫你思考並組織自己想法的手段罷了，筆記的額外好處是把這些想法記錄下來，供日後參考之用。

能這樣做，固然大有裨益，但正如良藥苦口、忠言逆耳，這做法要付出大量精力和時間，要堅持還真不容易，特別是在疲累的時後。小時候讀《A Little Princess》時，就非常喜歡那位女主角，覺得她辛勤工作一整天後，還能餓著肚子在晚上學習，實非常人所能及。對一般人而言，較簡單輕鬆的選擇是什麼呢？自然是看電視、刷手機、玩電腦。

所以結論是什麼呢？我也不知道，我只願自己能建立這個良好習慣。

A Dystopian Dream

I just had a dystopian dream, not sure if it’s related to all these discussions concerning the gene-edited babies.

In my dream, I was a security guard of a residential building. One day, just by some random chance, I decided to take a look at the past recordings of the security cameras. And I noticed something really strange. In the recordings, I was always sitting there dutifully. I didn’t eat or drink. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t go to wash rooms. I was always sitting there, monitoring the screens closely.

I was deeply shocked, for I didn’t seem like a normal human being. Since when can humans exist without satisfying all these basic physiological needs? So I made an excuse, and hid at a place without security cameras. I started to inspect my body carefully, and discovered that there were many machines attached to it. After some trial and error, I managed to unplug several machines that were responsible for controlling my physiological needs.

Meanwhile, during the trial and error process, I pretended to work normally in order not to raise suspicions. All seemed to be back to normal, until the day when I encountered six people that look exactly the same as I do. I discovered that I was actually one of the clones of a scientist, a mad scientist who created many clones for performing human experiments. The other clones had decided to rise to rebellion, and they all pretended to be the real scientist. No one could distinguish between the scientist and the other clones, leading to the above scenario where six identical beings marched together.

As one of the clones, I was approached by some staff to consult on my opinions on who is the real scientist. I didn’t know the answer as well, but I recognized two of the clones. I purposely nominated one of the clones to be the real scientist. Satisfied by my cooperation, the staff decided to leave me alone. And I continued to lead a « normal » life.

眷暖

轉眼又是十二月，近年總愛姍姍來遲的冬天在一番磨蹭後還是來了。我向來不喜歡冬天，厚厚的衣服把人裹得跟粽子似的，動彈不得。我不是好動之人，但卻不喜被衣服束縛，所以向來秉持「寧少勿多」這個穿衣原則。加上血氣不足，冬天時手腳熜跟冰棍似的，連指甲也凍成紫灰色。事實上，在適應一陣後，四肢便會冷得失去知覺，也就不再覺得冷。個人認為，最要命的，是洗完熱水澡後暖烘烘的身子驟然遭遇凜冽寒風的一剎那。

大冷的天，洗熱水澡無疑是種享受。温熱的水柔柔地喚醉原本麻木的四肢，凍結成冰的血液重新流淌，仿若春天忽然回來探望早已被温暖抛棄的地方。温暖總讓人迷戀，原本被風刀霜劍摧殘得麻木的身體很快便在暖烘烘的環境下復甦。但可惜，正如世上所有美麗的事物，這份温暖注定無法長久。不論如何眷戀温暖，總有一刻，暖流會被狠心地截斷。

《暗湧》中有句歌詞：「害怕悲劇重演，我的命中命中，越美麗的東西我越不可碰」，說是不可，其實是不敢吧？更何況，那份美麗只是「未必落空」，而這份温暖卻是注定落空的呢？只因害怕温暖消失時的刺骨之寒，寧可選擇不去接觸温暖。矛盾的是，正因明瞭這份温暖短暫的本質，洗熱水澡才格外美妙。正如喝飲料時，最好喝的永遠是最後一口；最讓人回味的煙，永遠時戒煙前抽的最後一根。快將失去的惶恐，讓我們更能享受那份美妙，也讓我們更眷戀那份美妙。亦因此，驟然失去的痛苦才會讓我們如此難受。倒不如從未經歷過温暖，也就不會覺得難受。就如《失憶蝴蝶》裏的歌詞，「還沒有開始，才沒有終止」，不曾開始亦不曾結束，不是很好嗎？